


Grey

by jedijarmarcal



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Reylo - Freeform, Slow Burn, do i even ship this?, idkkkkk what to call this, is this even romantic?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-02-18 06:42:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13094583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedijarmarcal/pseuds/jedijarmarcal
Summary: +SPOILER ALERT: THE LAST JEDI+After watching TLJ... I have feelings. This is an exploration of the relationship between Rey and Kylo/Ben. Is it romantic or devastatingly platonic? This is also an exploration of dark versus light and the entire premise of which their relationship is centered around.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t really know what this is, or what even my goal is? This takes place post-TLJ, so spoilers. I have never written any Star Wars anything, so I apologize if I didn’t get it right. Sometimes you gotta write what you gotta write though, ya feel? I didn’t even know I wanted to see this play out until I watched TLJ. Humor me.

 

**EPISODE I**

**for our means secure us**

* * *

 

 

Snapshots of scenes find their way behind Rey’s eyes. They zoom by too quick for her to make out if they’re memories or premonitions-

Inhaling sand through worn lungs, the way wind whips each granule against her skin like needles, the rusting hull of a star destroyer looming overhead. It’s salvation to her when it had been death to so many-

“I am one with the force, the force is one with me-“

Jolting to alertness, a green light saber bright, slicing through the night. But Luke’s eyes are wide and she can see everything in them. Death would have hurt less-

Greenery so alive her heart soars like the first time she flew the Millennium Falcon. Her heart is happy in this moment. She feels a presence-

Shards of glass flying into her face, red pulsing heat against her cheek. Was this how it felt-

“You are nothing, but not to me.”-

Frozen nothingness, painful to the eye in the glow of two suns. She wishes she could ignore her screaming retinas and subject herself to blindness. His face is the only thing she can tolerate to look at.

And it  _hurts_ -

Returning to the present, Rey falls to the ground, her bed and all of the other items in her room thudding to the floor around her.

Wasn’t mediation supposed to bring her clarity?

 

 

* * *

 

 

It happens enough for Rey to feel the slight change in the air before he arrives or she is suddenly where he is.

She was passing time in the main hull of the Falcon while Rose and Finn led a supply run on some no-name outpost in some no-name system. Things were desperate for the Resistance, forcing them to find friends in places Rey wasn’t too sure she’d like to have any.

People needed to eat though, and without any modern ships and tech at their disposal, medical supplies had to be bartered for wherever they could be found.

When Ben speaks, she isn’t surprised, just mildly annoyed and unsure of what he’ll say: the last time they saw each other was on Crait and she had been making her grand escape. She refused to look at him, instead focusing harder on the hyperdrive unit in front of her.

“You look awfully glum for someone who’s supposed to be ‘saving the galaxy’.”

Tears pricked her eyes. The pain of it was welcoming, reminding her that that’s the only thing he’d ever given her-

belonging? a sense of true purpose-

“You’ve made your decision,  _Kylo Ren_ -“ she spits it like the first time she tried Rancor’s Breath with Poe, “-I really don’t see the need to talk to each other. If we make it a habit to ignore each other whenever this happens, hopefully the Force will get the hint.”

“My hands were tied.”

He sounds defeated, like he actually believes what he says. Like he didn’t spend some of their last moments together trying to get her to go against everything she believed -right? she believed?- and join him?

Rey really can’t help herself, whipping her head around to glare at him. Could you glare and feel so utterly pathetic?

“Now that doesn’t sound like you at all.”

His look says everything, and Rey is glad the Force pulls him out of her reality at that time.

_ You don’t know me at all. _

Was it a whisper, or just her imagination?

 

 

* * *

 

 

She felt cloaked in him like smoke from a fire. Even though he never was actually there with her, Rey felt his presence linger like a too heavy perfume.

She was never without him.

“Do I smell weird to you?” She asked Finn in passing.

  
The crazy look he gave her made her feel better. No one had caught on.

It was a blessing at times, to be so alone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Three months.

She could almost forget his voice, his presence- or so she told herself. 

When that familiar heaviness permeated the air, she hated how her heart leapt. How do you accept defeat and move on, when the person you tried so desperately to save never abandons you like they said they would?

Could he have actually gone through with killing her all those months ago?

Maybe she had spent a minute too long in Snoke’s lair, but Rey felt a redness on her insides that hadn’t been there before.

Anger.

But at what?

When she saw his face across the room, all she felt was sadness. Blue had always been a color of hope, like the lakes on Takadona, but now Rey feels it like frostbite.

She remembers a memory that is not hers, of a light saber and betrayal. The pain is Ben’s, but she recognizes it now in the way he looks at her.

They are so alike, she realizes, and knows the same expression is on her face that she sees on his.

This time, the don’t say anything, and he’s gone quicker than he came.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you even know how to tie a knot?” Ben asks it over her shoulder like this was any other day in any other boring life.

It’s such a blissful notion that she rolls with it: it was so tiring feeling so offended all of the time.

She snorts. “I’m self-taught. Don’t criticize me.”

“Maybe accept the criticism for what it is. A knot like that could get you killed”

She’s annoyed now. So much for bygones being bygones.

“And what do you care?”

He’s gone before she whips around, and it's only possible to be angry at him when he's around.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

This time, she visits him. It’s preferable, she thinks, less invasive.

When she realizes he’s sleeping, she wishes she could leave, let him be and just go, but the Force would never let her off the hook that easy, so she crosses the room and sits on the edge of his bed.

Her heart hurts with the knowledge that he could have this awake and that he’s too stubborn and comfortable in his own grief to open his eyes.

They could save the galaxy.

Each other, too, but Rey never focuses on that part of what she saw when her future was revealed. Why make it worse than it already was?

So lost in thought she was, that she didn’t notice when he had propped himself up on his elbow and was staring intently at her.

Oxygen lingered in her throat and tickled at her heartstrings.

“I saw it too.”

It’s a confession that needs no explanation. It’s the one thing Rey never lets herself indulge in but is always in the back of her mind-

A green forest and dappled sunlight mixed amongst the shadows beneath the leaves.

Perfect harmony.

His laughter and an apple being passed back and forth between them.

She doesn’t know the story she’s telling, but knows it’s her favorite because of the way it makes his eyes crinkle-

“Do you want it?”

Any softer and she would be inaudible, but she dare not speak too loud in case this gossamer moment is destroyed.

And for once, he indulges her with honesty unburdened by pretense.

“I’m scared of it.”

Her heart breaks- _always_ \- for this man.

“Why does it have to be so polarized? What if we found another way?”

Since when did she become the one to talk of leaving the war?

“I would go with you.” His eyes let her know that he knows better.

But does he? Why does he get to be so sure of the world when he’s the one hellbent on destroying it?

“We could save everyone.”

A sad smile paints his lips. “You’re the only one that matters.”

“Everyone matters,” she retorts weakly.

“Not to me.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

She awakens when the sky is that grey in-between night and day, like the world just hasn’t figured it out.   
  
There was a peace in the stillness, however, that spoke to Rey. Desperation was something familiar to her after all of her time on Jakku, but this... How do you long for something you've never even had?

-

-

-

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the Chapter 2 I intended to write, and it's really just a snapshot, but after writing it, it felt important to keep it just what this is. I hope the things I wanted to relay come across.

**EPISODE II**

**red and away**

* * *

 

 

Ren remembers the boy like a story that happened to someone else.

 

There are memories and emotions that find their way into his mind’s eye, and he’s gotten so good over the years at telling himself that their not his- hell, he didn’t even have the same name as the boy. 

 

Not anymore.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_ It’s dark when Ben looks outside the windows of the Millennium Falcon. His breath sends little clouds of fog to obscure his view with every exhale.  _

 

_ He catches bits and pieces of his parents’ conversation- strong, sharp words that he could recite to you at this point- and judging by the tightness in his mother’s voice, their vacation was about to be over.  _

 

_ Ben could tolerate the arguing, but not the way his dad would ruffle his hair after he eventually made his way to the cockpit to tell Chewey the new destination-  _

 

_ “Let’s make way for O-17 Chewey. Outer Rim, Ileenium System, D’Qar.”  _

 

_ As if Chewey didn’t already know. _

 

_ -or how his mom would squeeze his hand as she waved to the shrinking freighter on the horizon. _

 

_ It always confused him, the waving, but Ben let her do it even though Han Solo was already gone.  _

 

_ And yeah, Leia would hold his hand until the Falcon was gone and the shockwave from the jump to hyperspace was no longer rattling her bones, and then she too would let him go and walk away, throwing herself into the needs of the galaxy. _

_  
Always protecting worlds, never giving second thought to the one she created. _

 

_ So he stared out the window, letting the emptiness of space pull him in, take him away from the cycle of it all. _

 

 

* * *

 

 

Rey is staring at him as the ship lifts off and she’s giving him a look he recognizes from his childhood.

 

_Is this what you want?_

 

Ren isn’t sure if it’s her question or his, but he’s certain about the impact it has in his mind. All he can do is stare as she leaves in a cloud of red soil. The salt burns his nose and throat, but something worse stabs there. He wants to cry, he realizes. 

 

But there will be none of that here. That’s not _him_.

 

There were too many things that happened today- Luke, Leia, failure- and it’s all a hum in the background compared to Rey’s mouth open just enough to keep him waiting for anything that might pass through her lips.

 

_Is this what you want?_

 

The hangar door closes and the sudden loss of her is unbearable. 

 

Again. 

 

Why couldn’t she just see what he saw?

 

When he closes his eyes tonight, he’ll see red and pretend it’s rage and find a way to validate it. It will not be the wound it feels like- he refuses to look down because there _has_ to be a gaping hole in his chest- or anything other than that familiar rouge he has holstered at his hip.

 

Fists clenched at his side, Ren watches as the ship clears the atmosphere, feels the shock and lets it roll through him.

 

It’s different this time and it takes him a few minutes of staring at empty sky to figure out why.

 

The way she stared at him made it feel like _he_ was the one that left.

 

-

-

-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you still with me? Yes, this is going to tell a story, but I apparently have a problem with linear progression. Expect the next installment soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is safe to say that I have a loose interpretation of the word 'soon'. Call it writer's block: I'm still debating on how I want this to end.

**Episode III**

**hyperspeed and peace**

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rey attempted to lose herself in the blur of hyperspace; it never ceased to amaze her that humans had found a way to conquer even time.

Though maybe she'd spent too much of that time on Jakku, because being in the life of the galaxy made her feel incredibly slow, lagged behind.

Even now she couldn't help but be distracted by the giggles and hushed whispers coming from where Rose and Finn sat like a pair of conspirators. _Of course_ she'd experienced basic human intimacy like hugging or handshakes, but watching her friends in the corner felt different, like Rey should avert her eyes and leave. But she was stuck on the way Finn's thumb was brushing back and forth on the back of Rose's hand as she ever so lightly nudged against Finn's calf every so often.

The tenderness of it all made Rey's heart ache- it confused her! She could feel how furrowed her brow was, like the first time Finn had asked her if she was okay. What did it mean to be so coveted and adored that even a simple story about an engineering snafu had two people so... _soft_ with each other?

Would she ever know anything so beautiful?

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The reconnaissance mission to Taris was supposed to be simple, and really, it was Rey's fault for believing Poe at all when he said it. 

While the Republic had begun attempts to recolonize the world many, many years ago, it was still vastly considered a wasteland. Or, as Poe had said, "the perfect planet to get lost on until we can regroup against the First Order."

That was three days ago.

With a grunt, Rey shoved a trooper out of her way and drew her lightsaber, flicking it to life just in time to impale the same trooper before he lunged towards her. She was moving, ducking under blaster fire as she ran towards the First Order ship, before the dead man hit the ground.

As of five minutes ago, Rey's mission was to get to the ship and clear it so the Rebellion could commandeer it.

Poe had said it like it was simple, and _really_ , by now Rey _really_ should have known better.

But there was no time for thinking, and Rey let the Force guide her. 

The ensuing onslaught of troopers fell around her like it was a dance. Parry, parry- stab. Jab, sidestetp- swipe broadly from thigh to sternum. Over and over. 

It was an addicting experience, and Rey thought nothing of the way a small smirk flirted with the edges of her grimace. 

She was spinning, covering her own back, cutting down lives like they were hers to do so with. Dizzy with vertigo and something akin to power, sensing someone behind her, Rey twisted and brought her arms up high, ready to bifurcate the unfortunate-

Her arms met resistance. 

Eyes focusing back to reality, Rey looked into Ren's eyes, unaware of the smile that had now softened on her face.

One of his hands held her arms in place above her head, lightsaber illuminating his features in azure tones. The other was fisted against the small of her back, his sizzling saber too close for comfort, instinct making Rey press forward out of it's way.

A brilliant grin spread across his features, matching Rey's own. For a moment, they were alone amidst the surrounding chaos. Noise filtered down, the sound of their swords creating a white noise effect.

The way he searched her face, with his body towering and wrapped around her like he had done it many times before, reminded Rey of every time she saw Finn and Rose. A fluttering feeling blossomed in her stomach- nerves?- and her body betrayed her by relaxing ever so slightly.

Like a fool, Ren dropped the hand he held her arms with. Training instincts were screaming at Rey to attack  _now_   while he was vulnerable-

Fingers brushed her left cheek- he wasn't wearing his signature gloves- and again her body did what she did not want it to do and hand her nuzzling into his hand. 

"What if there was another way?"

The words left her mouth like she'd been waiting months to say them.

She had been. 

Ren looked at her like sunset was stealing the day away and he wasn't ready for the light to be gone. 

She turned her sword off, his face darkening then, and let her arms fall, one resting against the one he still had around her waist.

"What other way is there? Sith, Jedi... First Order... Rebellion. It's always about which side you stand with." But he too turned his sword off. 

"Then why do we keep finding ourselves in the middle?" 

"What other way is there?" It was a an omission as any to just how lost he was, with her, in this ongoing war that never seemed to be over. 

Gingerly, Ren's thumb traced her lip. 

Panic ripped through Rey's blood vessels, and a fresh surge of adrenaline had her shoving him away and hitting him hard enough to send him to the ground in an unconscious heap of black.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Many hours later, after Rey had dismantled the First Order ship they had captured and submitted all of the parts to the mechanics that would fix any repairs to their other ships, she sat in front of one of the many cupolas of the ship, yet again staring out into hyperspace.

"Are you hurt?" Finn's voice cut through her thoughts.

"Huh?"

"Your face," he gestured with a pointed chin before continuing on down the corridor. Over his shoulder he hollered back, "If you've hurt your face, go down to med bay and get it check out before any swelling kicks in. And hurry up, I could still use your help with meditation!"

"Alright, will do!" She called back automatically, hand still lingering near her lips.

For a few minutes, Rey focused on the corridor wall, finding comfort in the grey stability they provided. 

At some point in her musings, Rey had found empathy for time, wondering if there were any implications humans would face for ripping it apart as they saw fit? The streaks of hyperspeed were realities she'd never know, and something about that realization struck too close to home.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Ren looked around the command deck at the hustle of bodies eager to please him and help accomplish the agenda of the First Order.

It meant nothing to him. 

Sitting in his seat, the actions of his subordinates did not fill him with purpose or drive. What was the perks of absolute power when he still had no power over anything he actually  _wanted_.

Peace and quiet were things he'd never experienced, and at the moment he wanted only that. There were too many thoughts of Rey and their interaction on the battlefield clouding his mind, and her words mocked his resolve, begging him to snap and kill everyone in this godforsaken rescue ship.

But that was the thing... Ren didn't want to be the bad guy. He didn't even want to be the good guy. He just wanted...

_What_ if _there were another way?_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not know how long this will be. One more chapter? Two? Sixty-eight? We are at the moment where anything is possible. Will they? Won't they? Will it be a happy ending or will it hurt? I still have no idea where this is taking me, lol. Thank you if you've read this far. I hope I do not disappoint.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could have drawn the song and dance out more, but after seeing TLJ again, I've had enough wanting. 
> 
> PS longer notes section at the end.

** Episode IV **

**contrast of knowing**

* * *

 

 

 

Ren sat at the head of yet another strategy meeting, a dull ache above his eyes that hadn't left since he killed Snoke months ago. There was a cavern in his mind that now lie dormant, a caldera that did not realize the damage it had caused to the foundation it sat on. Beneath the rubble, Ren could hear the rage and pain from a boy that just wouldn't seem to die, no matter how much effort was put into trying to get rid of him. 

The whispers were gone, but the silence of the Dark Side unnerved him more.

No Vader, no Snoke. 

No one.

He wanted the silence to stop- and wasn't that the irony? Years spent trying to get the voices in his head to  _shut up_ , and Kylo Ren was distraught by victory! 

"We were not expecting the rebellion in the Aurillae System," Hux droned on, "or in the Clascis Sector! Even Ord Sedra- as much as Sith philosophy still permeates- is rife with unrest!"

"What would you have me do, General?" Even through the mask, Hux picked up on the disinterest in his now Supreme Leader's voice. 

 "We have lost our advantage, Supreme Leader Ren." The response was all but spat through a barely reigned in sneer.

It was then, that Ren realized that even the amusement he got from tormenting the man in front of him had vanished.

What was the point? 

 

 

* * *

 

 

" _Uba lwaa ritke jot jen woy pee bagn goo banag._ "

Warmth flooded Ren's body, and the void in his mind was suddenly swirling with Rey's presence in the Force.

"Since when have you adopted Huttese as your conversational tongue? And why would I let him be in charge of _my_ forces?"

It had been too long since their Force bond had brought them together.

Hux stared at Ren in stunned disbelief. "I have no idea how to respond to- you know I only-"

Rey was standing to the right of Hux's enraged form, regarding him much like one does a spoiled child that has thrown one too many a temper tantrum. The others in the meeting watched the outburst with tense, confused expressions: one never knew how a meeting with Kylo Ren or Armitage Hux would go.

" _Dobra tee charra mon_ ," she replied, moving to stand beside Ren, choosing to rest an arm on his shoulder to better view the still ranting man in front of them. " _An taneee wata cohai Yikkuensm._ " It was exhilarating, this pantomime of joint leadership, but Ren couldn't find it within him to ask her to join him.

Not again.

What would that accomplish? He was miserable.

"It's a good thing we're able to understand each other then." It was the first time in a long time that Ren felt himself smile. "Now I know what tongue to use when I don't want anyone else to hear what I have to say to you."

"Sir!" Hux sputtered. "What exactly is going on?"

It was uncontrollable, this, this... flirtatiousness! Ren was a starved man, a tired man. A  _man_.  

Leaning towards Ren's ear, Rey giggled excitedly. " _Jot jen! Goo banag bai chiia goo ah lhonu bukee._ " Ren decided he liked the sound of her laugh, filing it away in his memories to remember when his headache returned.

Raising a dismissive hand at Hux, Ren stood, his towering form invading Rey's space. 

He wished she could see his face, see if she liked what she saw expressed there. 

"Fine." He acquiesced, his gloved fingers brushing against hers as they hung at her side. It wasn't enough. "He can lead my forces as he see fits for now, but make no mistake." he grabbed her hand fully and yanked forward, Rey's body crashing into him, "I'm bigger."

  

 

* * *

 

 

It wasn't until Ren found what he was looking for that he even knew he was searching for something.

For weeks he had perused the old Empire records, looking for signs of Jedi or Sith records. There was something  _missing_ he had realized. The Force did not create beings without there being a purpose and and place for them.

Where did Ren or Ben- or  _whoever_ he was- belong? The Light burned, but the Dark shunned him. 

Victory, he was learning, was anticlimactic. 

"Zonama Sekot." He tasted the words, suspicious of their simplicity. 

Much like a child worried about getting caught stealing rations, Ren sent the file and star coordinates to his ship and deleted the file from aboard the _Finalizer_. Just in case.

 

  

* * *

 

 

Battle raged around Rey, and not for the first time she couldn't help but wonder if the side she had aligned herself with was entirely in the Light.

Lah'mu was utterly breathtaking in its lush scenery. There was a tranquil nature to the world that had been lacking in the jungles of Takodana and Endor, and Rey felt it in her soul. The teeming life that the Force let her feel in the soil beneath their feet contrasted perfectly the the black sand beaches: not quite a paradise, but it was peaceful.

Mist swirled around her ankles, or well... it had. Before she had brought death to this system.

Singed flesh permeated the air, tainting the freshness of the world. Rey did not know of the bloodshed this planet had seen in the decades and centuries leading up to this moment, but she did feel the sacrilege of the act she was committing now. Was it not her job as a Padawan to maintain order? 

She brought her saber down in a wide arc, her muscles jarring with resistance as it met another body, but she welcomed the strain, letting the pain feed her rage like it was a suckling pup. 

Kylo Ren was somewhere on the other side of the battlefield, and it was this fact that kept her moving, cutting down stormtrooper after stormtrooper. The blue of her blade looked sickly, like a plague as she moved closer to him.

It was a dance they had rehearsed on many terrains and in both mental and physical planes, but always they circled wildly and erratically until they were in orbit around each other. Today was different though, and Rey felt every breath he made from across the field like it were her own. If there was one thing she knew for certain, it was that he felt their shared fate being pulled ever tighter together as well. 

Where as every time they'd engaged in battle felt like rehearsal, this time felt like the grand performance. Rey knew that Fate was no longer a distant horizon, but a looming sinking pit, a trap, ready to swallow her and her Ren whole. It was a comforting realization, and she felt no fear, did not care that there were a  _lot_ of enemy soldiers around her, and only worried about getting to him. 

She had to get to him.

 

  

* * *

 

 

The Resistance fighters fell around him like it was all part of their plan to meet their end before him. His red saber was the brightest thing in the chaos of battle, and the thought amused him beneath his concentration. 

Out of the corner of his eye, blue flickered.

_There._

He had to get to her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Rey ran the final steps to him, unable to help the wave of relief that flooded her.

But wait! Behind him!

From the ground, one of her brethren raised an arm and leveled his blaster at the looming hulk of Ren's back. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Just as her face contorted in terror, Ren spotted the heavy assault trooper taking aim to her left. 

A roar left his lips, the emotion of it scaring him. Years later, the survivors would tell of the bone-trembling fear it had inspired; the utter command it intoned was astonishing, they would say.

As it happened, Ren only knew that it was a prayer, a desperate plea.

He felt her warmth, as always, through the Force, and clung to it mentally while he held out his hand, his only desire- and the first one he could remember being _his_ and not Snoke's or Luke's- was to save Rey.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Able only to gasp, Rey's focused was only on Ren, wishing she could see his face one last time if this was truly how their story ended. Panicked, she held out a hand just as he yelled her name, his hand raising as well. 

Lightning sparked from his fingertips, surging past Rey to some unknown enemy beside her. Some part of her registered that she had been at risk, but the larger part only cared about keeping the man in front of her alive. 

Everyone within a fifteen foot radius of where the stood was propelled backward by a force blast she had no idea she was even capable of. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Silence rang in the seconds after, the fighting stopped as both sides rose from the ground and tried to wrap their heads around what exactly their strongest warriors were engaged in.

The two people still standing did not pay attention to any of this, however. 

Everyone watched as Supreme Leader, Kylo of Ren, ripped his helmet off and ran to the girl known as Rey, the future of the Jedi. Briefly, his hands gripped her head, grazed over her cheeks and down her neck, checking she was truly okay, before he pulled her into him.

They watched the girl cling to him much in the same way, their embrace something too intimate, contrasting sharply to what was supposed to be happening. 

"You don't get to die." Kylo Ren chastised, pulling away and holding her face again. Tears welled in her eyes.

" _You_ don't get to die." she said in a rush, plucking at the sleeves of his robes. 

Briefly, he searched her eyes, and to those with Force sensitivity around them, it was obvious a telepathic conversation was happening. 

"I know a way." 

Only those closest heard his admission. It was a treasonous sentence, but Ren felt free. 

"How?" Her eyes shone.

Every emotion he felt pulled a smile out of the granite of his face. Destiny danced between his next words like they were the brassy welcome of a new age. 

In a way, Ren supposed they were.

"Zonama Sekot."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that has made it to this point. I sometimes feel very insecure because I really don't have a finite prompt or storyline, but as in the movies, we only get glimpses of their interactions, so I'm trying to work through their story in such a familiar way. I know I've relied heavily on the romantic nuance in their tale, but I hope the underlying score is visible. If not, it will be.
> 
> Also. I tried to let context translate the Huttese, but direct translations are:  
> \- Uba lwaa ritke jot jen woy pee bagn goo banag. «You should just let him do whatever he wants.»  
> \- Dobra tee charra mon. «I am not alone.»  
> \- An taneee wata cohai Yikkuensm «And no one here speaks Huttese»  
> \- Jot jen! Goo banag bai chiia goo ah lhonu bukee. «Let him! He wants to prove he's a big boy.»
> 
> I have seen people post what songs helped with each chapter. 
> 
> Claire de Lune- Christine Hoberg & Flight Facilities  
> Side Walk When She Walks- Alexisonfire  
> TheIvy- BONES & Dylan Ross
> 
> but also
> 
> Dim the Lights- Wild Ones  
> Dance, Dance- Fall out Boy


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I guess you could call this a filler chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never written something with so much intricacies as the Star Wars universe does. For those unfamiliar with the Grey Jedi Order, you are about to become familiar! In my opinion, this is one of the best ways to rectify their internal struggles. I've always had a soft spot for grey jedi, and I Reylo seems like the perfect vessel to fulfill that affection.
> 
> Alas, enjoy.

**Episode V**

**revelations only go so far**

* * *

 

 

Clarity is the eye of a cyclone; a brief respite from chaos- a lulled sense of finality and chance to witness the destruction the passing storm has wrought around you. It is a chance to stand tall against devastation and feel like the victor.

Clarity is a night sky gorged on clouds that only rarely breaks up enough to let a moon shine onto the grey world. It is brief, it is whimsical and scary and it is a lie.

For them, clarity is found in two words amidst everything they stand for colliding in blaster fire around them. It is decisions made in a bubble without a care about the needle-presence of their chosen sides. Lines have been drawn, and toeing that very line does not mean they've found a way out, not when any small step condemns them as heroes and traitors. And honestly, which would be worse?

 

 

* * *

 

 

So, of course, the storm rages on, and the clouds return. 

It lasted only seconds, their moment of understanding, but Kylo Ren feels the weight of time on his spine as he and Rey shove away from each other and back into the throes of it all.

His hand around the hilt of the light saber is not his, but a phantom of some part of him that will only know the swing of death. What other choice did he have in the grand picture of battle, though? All of the anger and rage had settled into that red beacon he had so coveted, and it was almost laughable to him at how far he'd come.

Or fallen.

It was confusing, this realization Ren couldn't quite verbalize. Thrown to the wind, per usual, but at least he had a sense of direction.

Snoke would have called him a failure, and even though he still fell many a Resistance fighter- it was the habit of it all, really, that moved him- Kylo Ren felt victorious for another reason.

Certain strings had been cut, and the only pull he felt was towards something else entirely:

Zonama Sekot.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Rey dove and rolled to the safety of a burning pile of something. 

Her heart was a cacophony in her ears, pounding with the adrenaline of the fight. The faintest softest of the corners of her lips was the only betrayal on her face: her brown was furrowed and her eyes alight and focused on her next move, but still... 

He had smiled for her and something that had kept her hard and unwavering and been bent.

 _Zonama Sekot_.

The words were foreign to her, but the way he had said them felt right, like they really were the answer to their never ending deluge of "how".

And yes, more questions needed to be answered, but at least now they had a destination to reach!

Seeing an opening in the conflict, Rey pelted across flaming ruin and towards an abandoned tie-fighter.

Despite the excitement she felt at Ren's revelation, Rey couldn't help the small bit of satisfaction she felt as she used one of his fighter's against him- after all, they hadn't switched sides, just realized they didn't have to be on opposite ones.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Hours later, Rey wrapped the thin blanket around her shoulders- it was always a bit warmer on a starship when traveling through hyperspace, but excitement had Rey shivering- and flipped the screen in front of her to the old Republic's historical archives.

 

 

* * *

 

 

>  
> 
> **Query:** Zonama Sekot
> 
> **Results:**
> 
> **Planet:** Zonama, Zonama Sekot 
> 
> **Classification:** Terrestrial
> 
> **Region:** Mobile
> 
> **System:**  Varies
> 
> **Suns:** Varies
> 
> **Orbital Position:** Varies
> 
> **Related queries:** Leor Danal
> 
> ***
> 
> **Results:**
> 
> **Recovered [redacted] transcript. excerpt:**
> 
> "How can we come to know the Force when we are forbidden to delve its great depths?
> 
> Are we to deny that fierce passion that burns in all hearts? No. We cannot."
> 
> **Recovered [redacted] transcript. excerpt:**
> 
> "The focal point of our infant Order must be where the Force crashes and flows, bends and pulls on itself.
> 
> Here, among a great cycle of life and death, birth and rebirth, we shall call home."
> 
> **Homeworld:** Unknown
> 
> **Species:** Unknown
> 
> **Related queries:** Grey Jedi Order
> 
> ***
> 
> **Results:**
> 
> _At present there is no information on this query._

 

* * *

 

 

Rey stared at the final results. 

_At present there is no information on this query._

It was a dead end, one that had a scream of frustration bubbling in the back of her throat.

And what of the other results? How was she to find a planet when any knowledge on it's location was 'varied'? The solution to her problem was beginning to feel like another ball of problems to unravel and sort through, and the stress of it all was driving her crazy.

"When will this make sense?" She asked aloud of the Force.

She felt Ren's presence to her side, and unknowingly reached an arm out to him. His ungloved hand found hers, and though she did not look at him, she was comforted.

"I do not have the answer to that, but I know where to begin looking."

"Where?" Now, she looked at him, withdrawing her hand from his. She watched as his eyes remained fixated on his now empty hand. 

"Dagobah," he met her eyes, a knowing grin spread between his cheeks, "it is wear Jedi Master Yoda lived after the fall of the Jedi Order: if there is any history to be found, it is there."

Moments hung between them, and Rey found herself smiling in return, in spite of the journey that still spread before them.

"When do we leave?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspiration:  
> I'm Sorry (feat. Shiloh) - Swell  
> Drowning in You- Pascäal  
> If I Had a Heart- Fever Ray
> 
> Let me know your thoughts so far, as feedback helps me conquer the daunting task I have given myself and gives me strength to beat writer's block. I don't normally write long things, so this is proving a delicious challenge lol.
> 
> also I'm on tumblr: sunnydalecalifornia


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